It was cold (only 14 degrees!) and snowing this morning when I went out to the barn to feed... It was still dark then, but as soon as the sun came up I headed back out to take some pictures...

 It took awhile for the sun to work it's way through the clouds...

But eventually the blue sky started peeking through...

Emma and Quin playing in the snow....

Blaze

...is such an ornery horse.

 I do love him, but he is high maintenance compared to the donkeys.

 We've had him just over a year, so now he holds the honor of being the horse that's lived with us the longest.

We just fostered our first horse, Stormy (she looked a lot like Blaze, didn't she?).

She was that irritable Quarterhorse mare we had the year of all the blizzards... R ended up afraid of her, so when we had the opportunity to get the horse we really wanted (Grant), Stormy moved on to a permanent home and we all breathed a sigh of relief.

We expected to have Grant for years... He'd been R's horse (in heart although not legally) for several years... since the first time she met him at the therapeutic riding facility.

R and Grant, summer of 2005 (I think).

We knew he was older and in poor health when we got him, but he put weight on and seemed to be just fine... We had no idea there was something growing inside him, even then, that would kill him.  He only lived with us for ten months... and losing him broke both mine and R's hearts.

A couple of months later, that miserable excuse for a Quarterhorse, Willy, sent R flying into the dirt.. almost destroying her trust in horses. I wondered if she'd ever ride again...

We even talked then about just building up a nice little herd of dairy goats instead of messing with horses. Goats are fun, cute, and LOW maintenance... much easier than having a 1,200 lb hay (and money) devouring machine in your barn.

But then we met Blaze, a Quarterhorse/Thoroughbred mix (an Appendix). He'd been neglected and abused (even having the scars to prove it) and trusted R and people in general just about as much as she trusted him.

I've been told that you don't really own a horse until you've had it a year... and I think that's probably true. Blaze trusts R and I now (although he's still funny around people he doesn't know) and his true personality has come out.

 He's an awesome horse, but his true personality is just ornery.

For one thing, he opens gates... not just pushing them open if they aren't latched... no, he uses his nose and teeth to open latches. We now have a mind-boggling collection of bungee cords, and ropes (in addition to the gate latches) on all our gates. We keep grain in closed metal trash cans, and he'd have to go through one gate, and three doors to get to it. (When I had it behind one gate and only two doors, he found a way to get to it and pull the metal lids off with his teeth to get to the grain... So I had to move it even deeper into the barn. Where even I have trouble getting to it!)

And I've had to post a warning on the feed room door...

 ...because Blaze seems to have some kind of a sixth sense when it comes to that door being left open (telling him it's time to get started working his way through all the latches between him and those trash cans full of grain!)

He also opens carabiners with his teeth...

What he lacks in finesse he makes up for in brute strength.

It's lucky for him he's so cute...

Spring!

Spring seems to have arrived early this year... and I can't not post some pictures.

 I'm sure we'll have more snow (I'm counting on it, I'm not quite ready for winter to be over yet...) But the wind is warm, the birds are singing, and it's been feeling like spring for days.

It's the time of year when I need to be very careful where I step, so as not to scare myself by stumbling upon a snake out enjoying our early spring with a sun bath!

Like this lovely bull snake (in an old picture) who spent one whole summer showing up when I least expected him... like on the warm wood of the front porch... scaring several years off my life!

We did get school done today, but it was hard... I really just wanted to spend time outside. R would have been fine with that (we are both incorrigible), but M needs (NEEDS) the structure of our school day... so we reluctantly came inside long enough to get our work done.

For as long as we could though R and I puttered around outside. We played worked with the animals... first just petting and loving on them.

(You can't see Blaze because he was hanging out in his stall. He much more reserved than the donkeys.) After spoiling them for awhile we groomed, cleaned hooves, and I worked with Tucker on leading.

 Then I cleaned out the flower garden, and as I moved the winter's worth of dry leaves away, I found the unmistakable signs that spring has arrived...

This tiny little speck of green will be a snapdragon in a couple of months!

My friend Liese gave me this plant last summer... it looks like it likes living in my little flower garden.

Even the lilacs are budding out already...

Tomorrow is supposed to be another beautiful day. I can't wait...

on my sabbatical

 Sunrise over Woodstone Prairie

No...I'm not still decluttering.

Although... on second thought... maybe I still am.

 I've gone through our material possessions and, after four loads to the Goodwill, I'm feeling like things are decluttered. I've gone through every box in the basement, every cupboard in the kitchen, and every shelf in the classroom.

It feels good to have things cleaned out, and to pass our "extras" along to people who need them.

I think I've moved on to decluttering the non-tangible aspects of my life... getting rid of those "extras" that take time and add stress to my day.

Like spending time at the computer.

There are a couple of reasons the computer didn't make the cut...

The first is that, when I'm not spending time at the computer, I'm moving and getting things done. I've finished that desk I started refinishing last year, and restructured our homeschool... making our time more productive, and giving the kids a little more structure.  I've added structure in other ways to our day as well, which is working well for M. I've been outside working with Tucker, my little wild donkey (who I'm sure would much rather I be inside sitting at the computer!). I'm knitting more. I've helped to organize some support for members of my homeschool group who are homeschooling kids with special needs. I'm spending time with a neighbor who recently lost her job.

I have more time to do the things I think are important.

It's also been a challenging couple of months with M. January/February are typically his most difficult months... This year has been a little better (maybe) but he's still very up and down, still very unpredictable. I've found that my physical reaction to his episodes has changed over the past six months or so, and my "bounce back" time after an episode has gotten longer. (I think PTSD has finally caught up with me!) I've  been juggling two pdocs since the first of the year as well, taking M to another local pdoc who is very highly skilled (rated top child pdoc in the area several years in a row). We still have the pdoc who has been caring for M since forever, the new one is consulting with the old one... offering some new ideas and opinions. So M's illness has also been keeping me plenty busy...

I love to write, and love my blog... but it was turning into a stressor... another "should do", and the time I was spending at the computer was eating up large chunks of my day. (I'm a poor writer and a bit of a perfectionist... so I could spend large periods of time trying to get the words "just right".)

I've also been wondering if my blog has reached the end of it's usefulness. I started blogging as a way of keeping in touch with my siblings, who are spread all over the globe. But they've stopped blogging for the most part, and I'd begun to feel as though I could no longer be honest in my writings about living with schizophrenia. It also felt as though our (my siblings and my) blogs had become an excuse for not keeping in real touch... a substitute for real connection.

So, for now, I'm not blogging. (Well, except for right now I guess I am, aren't I? :)

I'm pretty sure I'll be back... I do love to write, and love my blog, but I need to find a way to keep it from taking more time than I'm willing to give it. And I need to find a way to write for me again...

 Thanks for checking in with me... we're ok, just going another direction right now.

 sunset

~Queen of the Barn~

aka... me.

 Yes, that's my job title now. It makes me think of Yertle the turtle... I'm queen of the barn, and queen on the horse, and queen of the donkeys, and queen of the rake and queen of the manure... I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea.

Until 4 years ago my job was advocating for kids with FASD and their families. I organized and facilitated support groups, taught classes, presented at conferences, advocated at schools, etc. I loved what I was doing, although... after 10 years... there was a fair amount of burn-out. FASD can be brutal, both for the kids (and adults) that have it, and their families. The almost complete lack of  resources made things even harder... I can't tell you how many times I had to tell families that the supports and services their child needed... didn't exist.

 But then M's schizophrenia progressed to the point that he was too unpredictable to take to support group meetings... and too unstable to leave at home...and I retired and started my new job.

I get a lot dirtier in my new job, but I love it just the same.

It's been a difficult week at our house. M's holiday good spell is over, and we've had several rough episodes this week. I've been dragging around the house all day, exhausted, just waiting for bedtime.

But then dh got home a little early from work, and since M was doing ok and it was still light outside, I headed out to the barn.

After feeding the animals, I raked the paddock, cleaning all the manure out... Then I raked and swept the barn, and picked some hay out of Blaze's forelock (he was pretty impatient with me... interrupting him while he ate!)... I puttered for almost an hour out at the barn.

It was wonderful...

I used to wonder why I love working out at the barn, and with the animals so much. It didn't make sense... I'm a city kid, as were my parents. But for years... decades... before we moved away from the city, I yearned to be away from it. I would stand at my front door, and imagine I could see the horizon, the clouds moving over the mountains, the rolling hills of the high prairie... when really all I could see was the neighbor's house. I've always had the frequent urge to leave Denver and head for the prairie... And when I would finally leave Denver behind, and be able to look out the car windows and see those rolling hills, and the bigness of the sky, it felt like I was finally able to take a deep breath after holding it for a long time.

still decluttering

I can't remember the last time I was so consumed (lol, I started to type confused just now... which is probably a more accurate word to use) with clearing things out. I've been working for almost a week now and am getting close to being done. It snowed most of the day today, and the kids were happy and settled, so I went through closets, cupboards, etc. and have almost another full load to take to Goodwill (I took a load on Weds. too). It feels so good to have things cleaned up and organized...

Today's snow was just beautiful... there was almost no wind, so it just floated down  softly and silently, with no huge drifts... Drifts that always seem to block the outside steps that lead down to the path to the barn, leaving me stumbing around them through the deep snow! It's nice to have the snow without the wind howling and blasting it against the windows... 

The animals stayed close to the barn... Tilly, especially, doesn't like snow and cold, which makes sense because she spent her first three years running free through the part of Nevada bordering Death Valley. What a shock that first Colorado winter must have been to her!  

Hmmm... it really didn't seem windy today, but the snow in the picture definitely isn't falling straight down....  I guess it takes more wind than that to seem windy to me. :)

(That's Blaze in the front, Tucker behind him, and Tilly peaking out of the barn)

As the sun was starting to set, it was so beautiful outside... everything seemed muffled and silent... and the snow, falling through the dusk looked like a gauzy curtain softening the edges of the trees, fences... even the barn.

I took a picture, trying to capture the light... the peacefulness... but I couldn't catch it. I guess you would have had to be here...

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So... I cleaned all day, and while I was cleaning I found these two things.

I got them from my neighbor, but I don't know what they are...

They look pretty old, and are almost identical. They both have a hole all the way through the middle...

...and smaller holes around the outside.

And the bottom is grooved.

Does anybody know what these things are? (Or what I might use them for??)

It's a new year...

...and it seems like a good time to get stuff cleaned and organized around here.

 So I've been cleaning for days... going through boxes in the storage area, getting rid of things we don't need or use, going through old files (how does paper multiply so quickly?) and throwing away, or shredding, all those papers that are just taking up space.

I would love to be able to go through each room, cleaning things out... but I don't know if my enthusiasm for this project will last that long.

I've gotten a few rooms done though, and the storage area looks good.

Before I started cleaning, you couldn't even see the floor in this room. it was so piled up with boxes and things. (J, the bookcase in the picture is the one I called you about.

Christmas was good... M made it through both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day without any problems. It was wonderful to have a calm Christmas (I can't remember the last time a holiday went so well), and we enjoyed seeing family and friends.

On Christmas Eve we had some friends and neighbors over for dinner, and all the kids and grandkids were here that evening.

I didn't take many pictures that evening, but here's one... It's E (dd#1) and her husband and two of the grandkids with M and R... (no, that helmet isn't M's, I got it for our grandson for Christmas, and M was "helping" him with it :)

We stayed home Christmas morning, and it was a beautiful, calm, relaxing time... then, that afternoon, we went to dh's folks house. All his siblings were there (plus spouses and kids!) so it was a lot of fun. We do a "white elephant" gift exchange instead of exchanging gifts (there are more than 50 of us when we all get together, so too many to exchange gift with each person). The white elephant is always fun and rowdy...

Here's the gift I worked really hard to get:

 ...a pot thrown dh's sister. Isn't it pretty? (And a much better gift than the sit-on-a-shelf Santa figurine with light up legs, the singing Christmas wreath, or the room humidifier shaped like a huge baseball!

 Anyway... Christmas was good, but I was happy to get all the trimmings and decorations packed away again. Next week we'll start back to our regular school routine... since this week I seem to be possessed by clearing stuff out and getting organized!