... so I try not to think about it too much.
I haven't written much about S lately, or the drama that was her life this past summer. The agency (that has legal custody of her) threatening to move her from her foster home to place her in a group home... a place she didn't want to be. They'd moved her the previous summer (2009) from her long term foster home to this new one, and it took her months so settle in and adjust... and now they wanted to move her again.
That threat hung over her head all summer, and was the reason we started, back in July, to become re-certified as foster parents (initially a requirement to maintain contact with S while in the group home) only to stop part way through the process when the agency changed their minds and decided fingerprints and a background check was enough.
The whole group home issue seemed to be behind us though... All interested parties (S, foster mom, caseworker, GAL, group home foster mom, group home licensing agency rep, etc) met about a month ago, and at S's foster mom's request I kind of crashed the party.
Hey... they were having their meeting at a McD's for goodness sake! It's a free country, I can drive up to Brighton (or where ever I was, maybe Ft Lupton) to McD's if I feel like it... it's public place.
Once I'd "dropped in" they kindly allowed me to stay for the meeting. S spent the first few minutes I was there hugging me and crying. She whispered in my ear "I don't want to go" and I said "Then you have to tell them."... and she said "I can't". So I invited the caseworker to take a walk outside with S and I, and I talked to S about it's being ok to be honest with the worker. That it's important for her to tell people how she feels, and what she thinks is best for her... not what the worker thinks is best, or what I think is best, or the foster mom thinks... but what S thinks is best. And she was able to tell the worker she didn't want to move...
We went back inside and the GAL was still hot to move her, so I pulled out all my rusty advocacy skills and did what I could to basically "present" S's case. Finally the GAL agreed to let her stay where she was...
The GAL wasn't happy though.. and during the course of the meeting she was taking no prisoners... she was out for blood. She was angry (as any caring person would be) that in S's whole 16 years of life, NO one has consistently put S first. NO one has fallen in love with her the way a parent falls in love with their child; willing do anything in their power to make sure that child is well loved, and fed, and cared for... and happy. The GAL was right.. and then she turned angrily to me, and said I was no different... I hadn't put S's needs first either.
I hadn't adopted her either.
It wasn't a fair statement. I knew it wasn't... this childless lawyer knows nothing about loving a child enough to know that adopting them isn't necessarily what is best for them, or for the children you've already adopted. I tried to explain... especially about M and the schizophrenia, and how it wouldn't be right for any of the kids to adopt S.
But the GAL cut me off with "Don't make excuses to me."
In a way she was right. In this family, S's needs come after M and R's needs... but I can't change the reality of S's life. I can love her, but can't adopt her... It wouldn't make her life "all better", it would only add layers of drama and upset (sz is like that) that she doesn't need and neither do M and R.
So I did what I could... I advocated for her at the meeting, then came home made her a bedroom here. A concrete symbol of her "place" in our family.
I got a call Monday afternoon from S's foster mom. S had, out of the blue, done something so bizarre, so disconnected, so....... Words escape me, I can't even think of a word that fits... so, whatever, that her life is forever changed.
The scary part (well one of the scary parts, there are many) is that S doesn't even "get it"... She is so disconnected from herself physically and emotionally that her reaction to the situation was nothing even close to a typical reaction (even for a cognitively delayed teenager). If she doesn't "get" the seriousness of what happened... there is no working with her to prevent it from happening again... or to discourage her from talking to M and R about it.
So I don't think it would be good for her to be around R and M for awhile.
My hearts breaks for S. I'm saddened by what's gone on this week...
... but at the same time I'm inwardly rejoicing that M and R are here... with us... in a forever family... and haven't been bounced from foster home to foster home... getting good care in one... and abused in another.
They've known stability, loving parents, the blessing and benefits of homeschooling... they've been protected.
Protected.
And cared for... as children should be.
I think about what happened to S this week and feel like I'm looking at "what might have been" in terms of R and M.
And I want to grab them both up in hugs and kisses... and hold them too tight... maybe never letting go... and thank them over and over for being my children. (But they would think I was acting weird and worry about me if I did!)
I have such incredibly mixed emotions... can you grieve and rejoice at the same time?
If so.. that's what I'm doing.
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