It must have been a slow day...

... at the sheriff's office yesterday.

I think every deputy and sheriff in the county spent the afternoon out behind our back pasture fence.

They walked around... discussing and gesturing... hung yellow crime scene tape, and took pictures of my neighbor's barn and the areas behind and to the side of it.

They stood around with clipboards, writing on papers that fluttered in the breeze.

They called the coroner, who showed up in a big black SUV with darkly tinted windows.

The neighbor's back pasture looked like an overflow lot for the county... filled with marked and unmarked county cars.

Once the coroner got there, they all stood around some more... writing on their clipboarded papers, leaning on the hoods of their cars, and sometimes wandering over to the fence to watch my neighbor's horse eat.

I could see my neighbor from time to time... which was a relief with the coroner's car sitting out there.

They never called an ambulance, and judging from the lack of urgency (and the coroner's car) I guessed that whatever was behind the neighbor's barn was already dead.

After several hours of doing whatever they were doing, they rolled up the yellow police tape, and one by one all the cars drove out of my neighbor's pasture and left to do whatever deputies and sheriffs do on sunny Saturday afternoons when they aren't in my neighbor's pasture.

After they left, I saw my neighbor outside and walked back to the back pasture fence to make sure she was ok, and find out what had happened.

Here's what she told me...

Her husband had been doing some fencing work and had been digging a post-hole by the barn, when he dug up a large bone. He thought it was probably a deer until he dug up what looked like a knuckle bone...

That's when they decided to play it safe and call the sheriff's office.

The county deputies came and dug a little more and found a rib cage... and it looked human.

That's when the deputies called the coroner...

...and my neighbor and her husband were asked to wait in the house.

Before long, someone came and started questioning them about how long they'd owned the house, who had owned the house before them, how could they contact those people, etc.  When it was time to feed her horse, my neighbor had to be escorted by a deputy as she got the hay from the barn and carried it out to feed.

As the afternoon passed, the neighbors continued to wait at the house while the deputies, sheriff, coroner, and everyone else who was out there (about 15 people by that time) leaned on their cars, wrote on their fluttering papers, and took turns digging ever so carefully to reveal more bones.

After hours of picture taking, digging, discussing, and leaning on cars, someone finally dug down far enough to find the skull...

... of a very large dog.

With that the crime scene tape was wrapped up, everyone wrote a little more on their fluttering papers, and they all left.

My neighbor was a very good sport about the whole thing, but her husband was a little cranky about the wasted afternoon.

The only thing he was happy about is that the deputies had finished digging the hole he'd started...

... and they'd taken all the bones they'd found with them. :)

Psychiatrist, "Concrete" Children, and Other Oddities

Thanks to those who sent good thoughts and prayers in response to my "note to schizophrenia". Please know that my primary emotions in writing that were anger (ANGER!) and frustration at schizophrenia, my ever elusive nemesis... and how much is has taken (stolen) from M and from our family as a whole.

Since the onset of M's sz, back when he was just a small child, our lives have been a series of battles against his symptoms... a never ending war waged to keep M alive and healthy, and to preserve as much of his quality of life as possible.

Sometimes anger helps fuel the fight...

I saw M's pdoc last night and we decided to increase one of M's meds. Before the appointment I'd gone back through my notes for the past few months... looking at new symptoms, M's connection to reality, daily functioning, etc. and it was plain that the past two months have brought a definite worsening in terms of symptoms, connectedness, and functioning. So even though I'm always very reluctant to increase anything... what must be, must be, I suppose.

Our "new" pdoc (he's treated M for about the past year) is a good guy... but seriously quirky... and conversation, at least in my experience, is not his forte. I was pleasantly surprised last night though, that despite kind of an awkward start... the appointment went well, and we seemed to be on the same page.

With M so unstable, school time has gotten more complicated. I never know from day to day, if me telling him it's time to do school is going to set him off or not...

But despite the tension around school, R made me laugh out loud yesterday during spelling...

We've been doing Sequential Spelling this year, so basically each of the kids has a spelling test each day. I'm not going to try to explain the program... it sounds weird but both kids like it and seem to be learning to spell more complex words.

Because of the daily test format, both kids are used to spelling whatever words or short phrases I dictate to them from that day's lesson. I watch them write, and if a word is misspelled they fix it right away, then write it several more times to practice it correctly.

The last word on R's test yesterday was "prettier" and I watched as she spelled "p-r-e-t-t-e-r" , and I said "drat", because she'd left out the "i" and up until then she hadn't misspelled a single word...

Without missing a beat, she carefully wrote "d-r-a-t"...

She's such a concrete thinker, if I say it during a spelling test, it must be a spelling word...

a note to schizophrenia

Schizophrenia,`

you are a thief.

`

You steal my child's rational thoughts,

and replace them with paranoia, panic, confusion and anger.

`

You rob us of our sense of connection to the world...

leaving us isolated behind towering walls of hallucination and delusion.

`

You steal my child's trust in himself,  in his thoughts... and in our love.

`

You traumatize him... and us.

`

You steal our hours and days,

leaving behind only the tattered remnants of what might have been...

~

...had you not brought the hurricane of psychosis with you

to shred our hopes, plans, and sense of well being.

``

Schizophrenia,

you are the lowest of thieves...

you steal the irreplaceable from a child.

*~*daybook*~*

FOR TODAY

November 1, 2010

Outside my window... it's still dark, and quiet... not even Tucker is up yet.

I am thinking... that I need to call today and make a bunch of appointments. M needs to see both the psychiatrist and orthopedist this month, I need to set up a yearly review for R, and there are a couple other more minor appointments that need to be made.

I am thankful for... the fun the kids had yesterday trick or treating on Main Street, and that R heard, "Thriller", the song she'd been waiting to hear (they had big speakers set up playing various "spooky" songs), and was so happy she danced to it right there on the corner of Main St. and Pine! :)

From the learning rooms... school is going well, except when M's instability gets in the way. If I can get him over the initial hump of transitioning to school time, he does ok... some days though, he just can't manage the transition and falls apart. I hope we don't have too many of those days this week.

From the kitchen... the kids have recently discovered that they love bagels. A couple of months ago I found a bagel recipe I've wanted to try... With the kids new bagel fixation it seems like a good time to stock up on cream cheese and make some bagels.

I am creating... I've picked up my knitting again for the first time in a year or so. I've done a little knitting during that time, but just simple stuff... dishcloths, etc. I'm working now on finishing the two unfinished squares to the knit-along afghan I started ages ago. I've also been playing the guitar more... It had been seeming a bit stale (just strum, strum, strum...) but then I decided to pick up a book on finger-picking that I bought six months ago or so. At the time I bought the book it just seemed impossible, so I set it aside (and forgot I had it!), but now I'm having LOTS of fun working my way through it.

  

I am going... to make an appointment to talk to M's pdoc without M there. I need to know what, if anything, he plans to do about the increase in M's symptoms and instability. I'm not looking forward to this... I think M's pdoc is very difficult to talk to... but in all fairness to him I should talk to him about my concerns before deciding to try to find another pdoc.

I am reading... Their Eyes Were Watching God...it's a good book, but I'm finding it difficult to get through because the dialogue is written phonetically (tuh for to, etc.)... so I'm having to really think about each word as I read.

I'm hoping... that B's (dd#2) semi-permanent move to KS, MO turns out to be a good thing.... that the move goes smoothly, she finds a nice place to live, and work she's doing, opening a new office, goes well... and finally, I'm hoping she'll be home for at least one of the major holidays coming up.

I am hearing... the rhythmic slosh, swish, gurgle of the dishwasher,  and Emma's very low growl-ly way of telling me she wants to go outside.

Around the house... no new projects... I've been working outside instead, taking advantage of the beautiful Indian summer we're having.

One of my favorite things... laughing with my kids, spending time with them. Each of my children is such a blessing...

A few plans for the rest of the week... setting up appointments, trip to the stable, blood draw, friends over for dinner, dog training class, and school of course.

A picture I'm sharing....

my nosey animals watching the neighbor working with her alpacas.

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They're just spoiled!

Murphy, Tucker and Cubby had the whole big pasture to graze in this afternon...

But where did they want to be?

In the front yard.

I put up with a lot from these big guys... stinky piles of manure in the stalls and paddock to clean up (and try not to step in) each day... Cubby kicking and threatening to bite me whenever the mood strikes him... Tucker waking me up every morning before the crack of dawn, just to make sure there is no possibility that I'll inexplicably forget to feed him... klutzy Murphy, forever getting his leg cut or stuck in something, or stepping on something, getting into the grain, or breaking out in hives. They've stepped on my feet, sneezed in my face, and smushed me into the side of the stall.  But I (usually) don't complain. I'm pretty easy going.. but I do make sure they know who is boss around here.

It's ME... the human. They are just here to do my bidding and look pretty (I remind them of this frequently).

And one thing I definitely draw the line at is grazing in the front yard...

I refuse to have big nasty piles of horse (or donkey) manure in my front yard... even just for the 5 minutes it would take me to walk to the barn, get the pitchfork, and toss the manure into the pasture. They have 4+ acres of pasture to graze and leave manure piles in... they are NOT allowed in my front yard.

So when they wandered into the front yard today to graze, I ran them off...

... and as soon as I wasn't looking, they came back.

So I did it again...

... and so did they.

So I got tough and sprayed them with the hose...

...and they left until I went back in the house, then snuck back into the front yard. (Horses and donkeys can be very sneaky when they want to be.)

So I decided the best course of action was to give up, and pretend I didn't see them until it was time for R to take them back to the barn for their dinner.

When I went out later, I saw that they had left not one single pile of manure in my front yard.

I guess they know who's boss around here...

therapeutic gardening

I've started a couple of blog posts this week, but it seems like each time I sit down and start writing, I'm pulled away by something. By the time I have a few more quiet minutes, I'm no longer in the mood to finish the post I'd previously started... So I don't.

And no posts get written.

M had an awful day yesterday...  He's been not-so-stable for awhile, and it all just boiled over yesterday. Needless to say we didn't get any school done, but I did get a lot done outside.

M's episodes just wipe me out, but not in an "I'm tired going to bed" sort of way... even if I could just go to bed after one of his episodes, which I can't, of course, because then who would take care of M?

No they wipe me out in a mental sort of way... my body has tons of energy (nothing like a little adrenaline to get a person moving!)... but my brain isn't much good for anything for awhile.

That is, of course, the perfect combination for gardening!

We had our first freeze a couple of weeks ago, so I took all my extra energy outside and cleaned the dead tomatoes, peppers, etc. out of the little kitchen garden.

In the process I discovered even more vole holes than I thought I had... This caused my (sub-clinical? ;)) OCD to kick in and I virtually destroyed my own garden, trying to flood, and then dig them out.

The garden and I were both a muddy mess by the end of that little chore, but I think I managed to destroy most of the vole "community" that had apparently been living under my garden.

I went out this morning and found a couple of holes I'd missed in yesterday's vole frenzy, but overall I'm satisfied with my work. While I worked in the little garden I got all the fruit trees well watered, and did a bit more clean up in the area that used to be Lili the chicken's home.  All that's left is a little pruning on the smoke tree, and that area is done.



Even after all the digging, flooding, and ripping up of plants out back, I still had too much energy to sit down, so the kids and I went out front and I raked... and raked... and raked. I'd cleaned out the big garden last week, so it was ready for it's winter covering of leaf mulch.

I didn't have nearly enough leaves (even after raking the driveway!) but the trees still have plenty of leaves, and there is no hurry to get it done...

M's been better today... still edgy, but connected. He even helped me this morning with some heavy work out at the barn. He wasn't happy about it, but he did it...

I also worked a bit with Tucker and Cubby this morning. It's funny... my little "wild man" Tucker doesn't seem quite so wild now that we have Cubby. Tucker never kicks or tries to bite... for Cubby those are everyday things!

I don't think Cubby (the darker donkey), would ever really hurt someone. If he was truly aggressive he's had plenty of opportunities to hurt someone... I think he's just in the habit of trying to throw his weight around.

He's a pretty donkey though, isn't he?

We won't keep Cubby permanently... I think Tucker enjoys having a friend, but R and I have both said we'll be ok with Cubby moving on. Having to be so careful around him makes the barn work a lot more complicated...

Well, I'd better get moving... (but I'm so proud, I actually finished a post!)

*~*daybook*~*

FOR TODAY

October 25, 2010

Outside my window... it's dark... it's early enough that the sky in the east hadn't even started to lighten. These days I'm doing the morning barn work in the dark... I love the walk back from the barn... the sky is clear it is filled with bright pinpoints of stars glittering and twinkling above me. I try to pick out constellations, but I only know a couple... it's something I wish I knew more about.

I am thankful for... life, and my family... together and safe. Well, mostly together... B (dd#2) is still working in KC, MO but I just talked to her yesterday so it doesn't feel like she's that far away.

From the learning rooms... we need to hit the books hard this week to make up for missing so much last week. I'm looking forward to sitting in our sunny little classroom and slipping back into our school routine. I think that routine is comforting for me as well as the kids.

From the kitchen... I made M's favorite pizza the other night, chicken alfredo with whole grain crust. I just use my regular bread dough recipe for the crust, make up some packaged alfredo sauce to put on top, then add whatever toppings sound good. This time I just put on chicken, zucchini, mushroom and cheese. Mmmm...

I am creating... not much right now, although I've got a little sewing project in the works.

I am going... to have to make a bunch of phone calls this morning to make sure I didn't seriously mess up M's clozaril prescription. I'm required, by law, to have M's CBC checked every 14 days. Clozaril is his main schizophrenia med, and without regular CBC's they can't fill his prescription (we have it filled every two weeks). Well... with all that went on last week I forgot to draw his blood. The CBC was due Thursday and I didn't draw the blood and send it in until Saturday. It's only two days, hopefully it won't be a problem... but worse case scenario I'd have to bring his dose down to a starting dose and re-titrate it back up again... a process that takes months and would leave him VERY unstable for a looooong time. I'm feeling a little unsettled until I get this straightened out.

I am reading... not much of anything. I'm in one of those moods where it's hard to  get into anything. I keep starting books, then losing interest and setting them aside again. I did recently finish a book by James Patterson called The Murder of King Tut. R's really into Ancient Egypt these days (thankfully it's replaced her WWII fascination) and she wanted me to read the book and tell her what it said. It ended up being a really good book (and an easy read which was just what I needed!).

I am hoping... our friend "Big M" continues to improve and the adults who love her are able to put together a permanency plan that is just right for her.

I am hearing... Emma's deep breathing as she sleeps at my feet, the tick of the clock.

Around the house... things are pretty caught up, and I have no new house projects in the works. I'm sure I won't be able to let that go for long though... I'll think of something that "has" to be done. :)

One of my favorite things... the quiet of the house in the morning.

A few plans for the rest of the week... I don't have much on the calendar. I have a dog training class later today, and some fun Halloween stuff this weekend, but that's it. It's feels VERY nice to have such an empty calendar...

A picture I'm sharing...

the grandkids... ready for Halloween

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